SHOWBIZ TIME MAGAZINE
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About Tina Turner: "All legs and hair with a mouth that could swallow the whole stadium and the hot-dog stand. Laura Lee Davies. About Gertrude Stein: "In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear." Gore Vidal. "She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly." Clifton Fadiman. About Virginia Woolf: "Virginia Woolf's writing is no more than glamorous knitting. I believe she must have a pattern somewhere." Dame Edith Sitwell. About Theda Bara: "She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent." Bette Davis. About Dame Edith Evans: "She looks like something that would eat its young." Dorothy Parker. About Yoko Ono: "If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog." Joan Rivers. "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." Ralph Novak. About Helen Reddy: "She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra." Bette Midler. About Madonna: "Armed with a wiggle and a Minnie Mouse squawk, she is coarse and charmless." Sheila Johnson. "She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit." Joan Rivers. "I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it. That's all I have to say about Schmadonna." Sandra Bernhard. "She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else."Morrissey. "Not in this lifetime. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to." Sharon Stone. About Zsa Zsa Gabor: "She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age. She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch. The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it." Oscar Levant. "You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers." Bob Hope. "Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face." Henny Youngman. About Katherine Hepburn: "She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day." Cecil Beaton. "She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B." Dorothy Parker. About Elizabeth Taylor: "Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket." Mr. Blackwell. "Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin." Joan Rivers. "Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time." Michael Todd. About Marilyn Monroe: "Her body has gone to her head." Barbara Stanwyck. "She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese." Billy Wilder. "She's a vacuum with nipples." Otto Preminger. About Edith Sitwell: "Isn't she a poisonous thing of a woman, lying, concealing, flipping, plagiarizing, misquoting, and being as clever a crooked literary publicist as ever." Dylan Thomas. "I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me." Noel Coward. About Lauren Bacall: "Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel." Henry Allen. About Marlene Dietrich: "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness." David Shipman. About Brigitte Bardot: "A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent." Mr. Blackwell. About Ingrid Bergman: "She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them." John Gielgud. About Drew Barrymore: "She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day." Camille Paglia. About Joan Collins: "She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater." Louella Parsons. About Sarah Bernhart: "A great actress, from the waist down." Dame Margaret Kendal. About Joan Crawford: "Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder." Bette Davis. About Lolita Davidovich: "A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson." Jeremy Novick. About Bo Derek: "She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines." Joan Rivers. About Isadora Duncan: "A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it." George Bernard Shaw. About Shelley Duvall: "The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli." John Simon. About Farrah Fawcett: "Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair." Tom Shales. About Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra, former husband of Ava Gardner: "Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy! Ava Gardner. About Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." Bette Davis. About Sharon Stone: "It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs. Katharine Hepburn. About Brooke Shields: "The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev." Robin Williams. About Loretta Young: "Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it." Bosley Crowther. About Roseanne Bar: "The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered." Johnny Carson. "Roseanne Barr is a bowling ball looking for an alley." Mr. Blackwell.
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About Phyllis Diller: "I treasure every moment that I do not see her." Oscar Levant. About Joan Rivers: "When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart." Stewart Klein. About Lillian Hellman: "Every word she writes is a lie, including (and) and (the)." Mary McCarthy. About Molly Ivins: "She bellies up to the gourmet cracker-barrel and delivers laid-back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work." Florence King. About Dorothy Parker: "To those she did not like…she was a stiletto made of sugar." John Mason Brown. About Louisa May Alcott: "She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen." Odell Shepherd. About George Elliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans: "George Eliot has the heart of Sappho; but the face, with the long proboscis, the protruding teeth of the Apocalyptic horse, betrayed animality." George Meredith. "A fungus of pendulous shape." Alice James. Against Famous Men (Stars, Celebrities, Entertainers) About Larry King: "Do you mind Larry, if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." Donald Trump. About Winston Churchill: "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one." George Bernard Shaw talking to Winston Churchill. And here is the reply of the British Prime Minister: "Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. " About Pat Buchanan: "He is racist, he's homophobic, he's xenophobic and he's a sexist. He's the perfect Republican candidate." Bill Press. About Ernest Borgnine: "Oh my God, look at you, Ernest, anyone else hurt in the accident?" Don Rickles. About William Gladstone: "A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments to malign an opponent and to glorify himself." Benjamin Disraeli. About Abbie Hoffman: "He had a charisma that must have come out of an immaculate conception between Fidel Castro and Groucho Marx. They went into his soul and he came out looking like an ethnic milkshake--Jewish revolutionary, Puerto Rican lord, Italian street kid, Black Panther with the old Afro haircut, even a glint of Irish gunman in the mad, green eyes." Norman Mailer. About Hurbert Humphrey: "Any political party that can't cough up anything better than a treacherous brain-damaged old vulture like Hubert Humphrey deserves every beating it gets. They don't hardly make 'em like Hubert any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." Hunter S. Thompson. About Harrison Grey Otis: "He sits there in senile dementia with a gangrene heart and rotting brain, grimacing at every reform, chattering impotently at all things that are decent, frothing, fuming, violently gibbering, going down to his grave in snarling infamy ... disgraceful, depraved ... and putrescent." Hiram Johnson. About Oscar Wilde: "The ineffable dunce has nothing to say and says it with a liberal embellishment of bad delivery, embroidering it with reasonless vulgarities of attitude, gesture and attire. There never was an impostor so hateful, a blockhead so stupid, a crank so variously and offensively daft. He makes me tired." Ambrose Bierce. About Mosher Dayan: "Don't be so humble, Moshe, you're not that great." Golda Meir. John McEnroe talking to a line judge: "You can't see as well as these fucking flowers - and they're fucking plastic." About Arnold Schwarzenegger: " Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts." Clive James. About Chevy Chase: "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." Johnny Carson. About Montgomery Clift: "He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it." Marlon Brando. About Gary Cooper: "He got a reputation as a great actor by just thinking hard about the next line."King Vidor. About Colin Farrell: "I've got three words for him: Am. A. Teur." Charlie Sheen.
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